I've been going crazy. Crazier, anyways.
Had an attack last night. I think its Rapid Cycling bipolar disorder. and thats not like, just a quick self diagnostic. Thats months and months of research into mental illness. Talking to people to have that and similar things.
So ya know, tonight i'm just sittin here awake at fuckin 2:20 in the fucking morning. Just like. Trying to keep it together.
when it hits its bad man. Real bad. Its lke, your lovers hand becomes a strangers. you get lost in these cycling thoughts. Over and over and over again. One phrase, "I'm faking this, its not real, im okay" "Dont lose it" "I dont wanna be this way"
Ya know. THings like that
You close your eyes, hide in the dark. Fall into your head. Real fuckin deep. ITs like a well. ya know. aNd you wanna climb out and say something, like, its just an episode, dont worrry. but you can't everything stops you.
Then your emotions go fucking nuts. Your so angry you wanna put a hole in the wall. Start screaming, fight someone. Heart rate jumps way way up, breathing gets heavy. Then bam, your crying because you dont even fucking know its just tears for NO god damn reason. Ya can stop yourself from hittin gthings, but ya can never stop the tears from coming. and it just flips. Sometimes its so bad you start to laugh manically. And switch between all three of those. Your emotions bouncing around in your head at horrible velocities battling it out for dominance. Clawing at your face. Trying to stop it. BUt ya cant.
Then the worst part hits. That sounds like the worst but its not even close. You feel numb. So numb. Its indescribable. You'll never know what its like unless you've felt it yourself. Your brain shuts off. No thoughts, not a damn one. Nothing. Your eyes grow hard, staring out to nothing. Your breathing slows to a point like its stopped. Your heart beats softer and slower than it ever has your whole life. your limbs grow stiff. Fingers get colder. you cant move. cant speak, Zero emotion. really, its like being dead, but somehow, your still aware. Its hard to explain. Then, if your lucky, you'll slip back into what you try to keep as normal. go smoke a cigg, continue on like nothin happened. Maybe burn your arm to snap back to reality. Pain has a way of drawing you out.
It starts all over again.
Why am I putting this here in a public place. Well, Its cause i already have. So many times. I"ve just never said all of it so bluntly.
I probably need professional help. Can't get that being poor though. Can't tell family cause, hey who wants a kid thats fucking crazy. dont wanna make them deal with that. Haveta shell out cash for me. Fuck that. Families been through enough all ready.
Typed all that out and now i dont know if i can post it.
Hard to be okay, to accept that I"m nuts. Shit I dont fucking know.