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About Literature / Hobbyist Member Paul23/Male/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Years
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The summer was a time for the Blues and muddy water.
While the fall seems to hold something sinister.
Like a word on the tip of your tongue it hangs in the air.
There is beautiful melancholy in the leaves; Autumns musicians sing their repetitive, lonely songs.
Out here, it stirs, hanging heavy on their coat-tails.
Creating sagging eyes and matted hair.
It seems Autumn is a time for beautifully sinister chords accompanied by soft voices made harsh by long draws on their cigarettes and sighs full with crisp air.
Sinister Autumn Air
one of those writes that just pour outta my head.
one of those few i take the time to revise.
I see the moon hanging impossibly low in the sky.
I feel guilt.
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: strong language)
WEll they say I've got potential. If I just tried more, I could make millions and have one of those double doors on the front of my house.  That sounds like the shit I hate. I just wanna walk. I know I can be great, just not the ways you want me to be. I wanna talk to the people who you think don't deserve the time of day. Cause they've got stories to tell and when I ask whats up, its not the weather. I've never felt like I belong, but the trees are starting to feel like home. I know I'm a disappointment but this way of life makes me feel like shit. I don't think there's a way your supposed to live. So lemme walk and give me a pack. I'd say I'll see you again but I'm never coming back.
Hypathetical conversation
bleh. My writes have been fucking horrible lately. I need something else.
little bit of bud wouldnt hurt either.
When the fuck did this turn into facebook. What the fuck.
I'm afraid if you get rid of all the pain and all my sadness, sorrowed days, and useless rage. Would there be anything left standing?
So I'm not asking for a cure, and I'm not asking for your pity, I just a couple of bucks so I can get a forty,
Drink with my friends,
and maybe tonight won't be so rough.  
short write,  might be more song lryics
I've been going crazy. Crazier, anyways.
Had an attack last night. I think its Rapid Cycling bipolar disorder. and thats not like, just a quick self diagnostic. Thats months and months of research into mental illness. Talking to people to have that and similar things.
So ya know, tonight i'm just sittin here awake at fuckin 2:20 in the fucking morning. Just like. Trying to keep it together.
when it hits its bad man. Real bad. Its lke, your lovers hand becomes a strangers. you get lost in these cycling thoughts. Over and over and over again. One phrase, "I'm faking this, its not real, im okay" "Dont lose it"  "I dont wanna be this way"
Ya know. THings like that
You close your eyes, hide in the dark. Fall into your head. Real fuckin deep. ITs like a well. ya know. aNd you wanna climb out and say something, like, its just an episode, dont worrry. but you can't everything stops you.
Then your emotions go fucking nuts. Your so angry you wanna put a hole in the wall. Start screaming, fight someone. Heart rate jumps way way up, breathing gets heavy. Then bam, your crying because you dont even fucking know its just tears for NO god damn reason. Ya can stop yourself from hittin gthings, but ya can never stop the tears from coming. and it just flips. Sometimes its so bad you start to laugh manically. And switch between all three of those. Your emotions bouncing around in your head at horrible velocities battling it out for dominance. Clawing at your face. Trying to stop it. BUt ya cant.
Then the worst part hits. That sounds like the worst but its not even close. You feel numb. So numb. Its indescribable. You'll never know what its like unless you've felt it yourself. Your brain shuts off. No thoughts, not a damn one. Nothing. Your eyes grow hard, staring out to nothing. Your breathing slows to a point like its stopped. Your heart beats softer and slower than it ever has your whole life. your limbs grow stiff. Fingers get colder. you cant move. cant speak, Zero emotion. really, its like being dead, but somehow, your still aware. Its hard to explain. Then, if your lucky, you'll slip back into what you try to keep as normal. go smoke a cigg, continue on like nothin happened. Maybe burn your arm to snap back to reality. Pain has a way of drawing you out.  
It starts all over again.

Why am I putting this here in a public place. Well, Its cause i already have. So many times. I"ve just never said all of it so bluntly.
I probably need professional help. Can't get that being poor though. Can't tell family cause, hey who wants a kid thats fucking crazy. dont wanna make them deal with that. Haveta shell out cash for me. Fuck that. Families been through enough all ready.

Typed all that out and now i dont know if i can post it.
Hard to be okay, to accept that I"m nuts. Shit I dont fucking know.


Goombaslayer's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Well, Its been a long time, and I think i'm a new person now, so, new bio.
I am quite, more so than ever. I try to keep my word. but we know how that goes.
I"m selfish. Not of things but of the passing time.
I like art and I dont skate as much as I would like to.
Theres more, but, its not all that interesting.
Current Residence: Augusta GA (leaving for the mountains on March 14th)
Favourite genre of music: Psychedelic, Blues, Funk, any thing strange and crazy.
Favourite style of art: Surrel, depressive things, that capture the darkest of human emotion and internal struggle
Operating System: Windows XP
MP3 player of choice: My I pod Nano
Favourite cartoon character: Marshall Lee (Adventure Time)
Personal Quote: hopefully this works out.

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BleedingProphecies Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Happiest of birthdays, my friend! :heart: :party: :glomp: 

I hope you have a truly lovely day, dearie! 

Let's chat soon, yeah? :heart: 
Goombaslayer Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thank you and I did :D and for sure
BleedingProphecies Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
SirCassie Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Your avatar is awesome:D
BleedingProphecies Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the favorite, good sir. c: 
scribbleNscratch Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014
Thanks alot for the fave :D
grawr-dinomasaur Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks for watching and whatnot
You got a keen eye for photography 
Catosan Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014  Student Photographer
Thanks for the favs Paul! :)
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much for the fav! :)
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013   General Artist
happy birthday! :la:
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